Confessions from the SO of a self-professed asshole

Don’t bother re-reading, you read that heading correctly. If you don’t know, SO is the abbreviation for “significant other” (in case you aren’t familiar with mom blogs). I realize in using that abbreviated term, I not only have sided myself with mom bloggers but have also sided myself with the LGBT community out there, which I am totally OK with. The definition of a self-professed asshole is my boyfriend. Those who know him probably laughed and nodded while reading that heading. It couldn’t be more true.

Enough about the heading.

Before I delve in too deep and personal, I first want to iterate that I, of course, love my SO. I have even come to love his less attractive qualities. I have evolved to love everything about him, even the asshole part. Which has made things difficult sometimes, so difficult that I sometimes don’t feel like there’s anyone I can talk to about my problems with it. In his defense, I knew what I was getting into years ago when I agreed to live my life synced up with his. This entry is by no means a personal attack on him and his character but is more an intimate account of a general personality type. There have to be more people like him out there. I feel for all of you SO’s to these assholes; you are the most patient of people. Represent.

“Your tattoo looks like shit.”
These are the words that won me over. Nothing gets a person’s attention (negative or positive) more than a direct insult and my SO nailed it. Having just left a toxic relationship based on lies and power, the truth became a very sought after virtue for me. And to be fair, my first tattoo (cursive wording) needed a serious touch-up that I postponed a good while. But at 18 years old, I was definitely offended and got wrangled into a good argument. That was the intention I now realize in retrospect.
A number of times, we will be introduced to friends of friends and my SO won’t hold back if it’s obvious he doesn’t see anything there. I recall one such situation. We met up on a weekend evening with the same crowd from High School we always hung out with at that time. One of these friends invited a co-worker to join in the festivities this particular evening. We spent time conversing, joking, and drinking within the group for a few minutes before this friend realized she hadn’t made proper introductions.

“Oh, —-, this is my friend from work, —–.”
Boyfrand (to co-worker): “Yeah, I don’t care. I can already tell I don’t like you, so don’t even try.”

No joke. These were his first words to this person. I probably gaped at him at this time since I wasn’t accustomed to these types of revelations. Nowadays, I just roll my eyes (if I think he’s being a total ass) or try and keep my composure (if I completely agree with him and think it’s hilarious).

Yes, those bold words, literally and figuratively, were the beginning of us and we.

When explaining emotions is the end of the world.
This occurs both ways believe it or not. Allow me to elaborate. I am, by most people’s standards, hyperemotional. I have feelings about probably everything. I like to share these feelings, particularly my most sensitive ones, with my SO. Sometimes to see how he feels about something, other times to seek affirmation that I am not crazy. But I often fail to remember that feelings and emotions don’t come natural to self-professed assholes. They avoid having feelings about just about everything. They ignore feelings, believing that they only complicate matters and preferring to keep things simple. This means SO’s often feel crazy for being human and having feelings. Remember the self-professed asshole isn’t trying to make you feel that way they probably just sense when a conversation is nearing what can mean certain death if not dealt with properly.
From the SO perspective, the inability to emotionally connect on important matters with the self-professed asshole can be, at times, devastatingly depressing. This is the person of whom you can share your life but not emotions (OK, they will affirm emotion, but won’t reciprocate). The best thing you can do is accept that this is in their nature and move on. I’m sure they love hearing that. But remember, we don’t do it to cave–we do it for love.

They critique because they care.
It still baffles me how critical self-professed assholes are of their SO’s. They have friends that could be fired from their jobs, go to jail, blow off plans, etc. without even so much as acknowledgement. But if the SO makes a grammatical error in the first round of drafting a report, you will get a talking-to that parallels with the most stringent AP English teacher from High School! That’s how they show love, wild, as it seems. I think I even asked my self-professed asshole SO to explain this practice to me once after getting an earful about “braking too soon”. Basically, it boils down to standards that they put in place. Standards are much higher for the people they love/family. Standards are much lower for their friends because, like some friendships, friends do stupid things. Those friendships are the good ones. Those are the friends they can live vicariously through and depend on to feel better about themselves.

Am I making any sense? No? Alright, well, if anything, it feels great getting this out..

Friends might not like them.
I have probably lost some friendships in part to my self-professed asshole. Some people really clash with that personality type and I get it—it can be off-putting. But I have never seen it as loss. I admire that he is straightforward with who he is, where he stands and his preference to not bother with being well-liked. It has been sort of a blessing for us. Many people have been weeded out over the years that would’ve disappeared from us at some point anyway. I will say that many friendships I have lost (in part to the boyfrand or not) haven’t been those good, meaningful friendships that give you warm feels inside. I had a lot of friends for many years that wanted more of a surface friendship based around partying and the like. Now most of my friendships revolve around building one another up and talking about genuine things. It’s much less exhausting to be thoroughly interested, explorative, and to generally be able to be myself. As opposed to the same thing over and over again. The boyfrand was a huge part of that friend-purging process and I’m forever indebted to him because of it.

Most people will choose only to see the bad in this personality type. Maybe I am an optimist. I see a lot of things when I look at self-professed assholes. I see unwavering love from my own. I need only remember to read-through the lines sometimes.

joey haha


Author: Caitlyn

Artsy, crafty, history-conscious, earth-friendly, new mama.

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